usogi | [ i already regret sasuke and senri ]

[Really, it's the persistence that's his undoing every time. At home, here. The feeling isn't quite as bad as before, but the fingers light up his skin, and his face turns slightly feverish.

So he hides it by tipping his head and resting the side of it against Senri's cheek and brow. And he thinks... his body hadn't told him anything different. The broken, sad, cold core of him hadn't ever told him anything new.

It's awful how well his hands fit against each side of Senri's neck under the jaw, the rough thumbs curled up over the cheeks. He turns his head, and... it still doesn't feel any different to him. The waving flame being fueled in him now... is the same waving flame he had in the fun house, on the ferris wheel, carrying Justice on his back, throwing Senri into the waves.]

Why won't... you just give up... [He whispers it, too afraid of the crack of his own voice.] Everything... is the same. I wasn't... supposed to find any of this here. You weren't... supposed to be here. I was coming... and winning... and going. [And now, dammit.

The kiss he gives Senri isn't passionate. It isn't a heartfelt shoujo kiss, like the one that should have happened beneath fireworks. If anything, it's chaste and terrified, and his lips are dry, and he doesn't know how because he never has, and it's over almost before it begins. Guiltily, all of him draws away immediately after, his hands falling, his arms, his foot taking half a step back.]

I want you to keep smiling for everyone, even if it's without me.

[there's something that keeps senri in place, even though he's well aware that sasuke is cursed. when he turns his head, senri's hand drops and falls to sasuke's wrists. he doesn't try to move him, only tries to stay connected as he listens. he'd told people - sasuke isn't the type of person that just words can get through to. it's why senri touches him so often. a hand at his arm, arms around his neck, physically keeping him from moving to destroy himself.

at the end of the day, it's trust.

though he freezes at the kiss, and that connection means nothing when he's too surprised to react, to keep sasuke from pulling away.

senri decides that he somehow hates this curse more than all the others.

he's left staring owlishly, even as his hand comes up to his mouth, as if still confused by the pressure, the gesture of affection. it takes him a moment to respond, to be able to finally hear what sasuke was saying and he blinks once. twice.]

... it won't be complete, you know.

I'll still find reasons to smile - [because senri has taka, and he wonders how to remind them both of that, that senri has taka and will always have taka] - ... but I'll always miss you.

[Unsure of how to feel--no, that's a lie, he knows exactly how he feels, and he's always known how to feel and how he felt--unsure of how to process the feelings, he doesn't know what to do with himself.]

You... [He stops, trying to think about what he wants to say, how he wants to say it.] This whole time, you've... been the only one to give a damn, and... the only one who was making progress. I...

...was jealous. That it was so easy for you... to connect with others, to be so powerful in getting information and changing people's minds. And I guess... like Naruto... I never took my sights off you, the one always ahead of me, like Itachi, while I struggled to catch up.

So when... I saw you hurting, I hurt, too. But now... you're happy, and you can focus on winning the game the best way. I don't think... someone like me could ever make you smile like the others can. I...

[His face pinches gently. He's not sure if there's more. He's already exhausted. He turns to leave, but then stops after a few steps.] I'm sorry... [He wonders if his voice has ever been this fragile.]

About the photograph.

[it doesn't matter if he's turning to leave, because senri is immediately following after him, reaching for his hand and squeezing. squeezing tight. a grip that doesn't match with how suddenly fragile he feels.]

That - was you?

[his voice trembles, and shakes]

... don't be sorry. [and he hates how he already feels himself crying again, and a hand comes up to brush away the tears that are certainly running down his cheeks] Don't be sorry for... giving me something I wanted...

[it's such a difficult feeling.

when this entire time, since he found out about the brooch, he'd been thinking about how deeply he suddenly wishes that people could care about him less. how intensely he wants them to forget him, if it just meant caring about themselves a little bit more.

yet when confronted with this - with this understanding of what was given to him, by someone who cared about him.

he's still too stupid, and selfish to let go]

Don't apologize.... [more brokenly:] Don't go...

So you wouldn't forget.

[About them. About him. About everything. But... he hadn't known, hadn't realized, of course, because he's an idiot, that it would hurt Senri.] I should have just... left everything alone. [His hand squeezes Senri's, gently commanding.] Stop crying, blockhead. [There's no heat to any of the words.]

I have to help Ishikirimaru. He can't be alone doing this. I have to go. I promised him I would go. We'll watch the second floor. You two will be fine.

[He turns back just a little. Two fingers jab softly into the middle of Senri's forehead once he raises his other hand.] Tomorrow. [It's as close to a promise he can give without promises.]

Oda, Mouri, and Connor... Help them. Sean... If something happens, tell him I'm sorry. He... [There's a smile only Sean can bring to his face, but it's very weak and very brief.] I hope you... get to see his real face, too.

[ . . . .

he's quiet for so long. he listens to what sasuke says, and he hears it as a responsibility. he understands what sasuke had been feeling, suddenly, when senri asked for his thumbprint. when he was making all these plans just in case something happened to him. he feels the intense need to deny any of it happening, the need to tell sasuke that nothing will happen because he won't let it, but.

it's thursday.

it's thursday, and sasuke is leaving soon, and suddenly there is not very much that senri can do at all.

all he can do is wait, and believe.

so he just watches him, even as his heart stutters in his chest trying to contain everything that he wants to say.]

... tomorrow.

[he latches onto the word, and repeats it with a hope that he refuses to let die.]

Tomorrow, I'm going to thank you again. And I'm going to wait for you to come back. And we'll have another whole week for me to be mad at you, and to thank you for everything you've done for me.

[A rattling, but soft, shaky exhale slips out of him. The quivering emotions are still there below the surface, adrenaline, stealing his hunger and his energy, giving him false reserves when he's running on fumes.]

The only option for my escape is to die then.

[It's a joke, even delivered dryly, but he knows he shouldn't joke that way, not with Senri whose eyes are still watery. Gently, he tries to get his hand back, his face apologetic.]

[ i already regret sasuke and senri ]

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