usogi | [ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

We're going to keep hoping that it stays that way.

[he says as he also picks up some of the beauty supplies provided]

It's the last week... I'd find it kind of scary if something happened to me. Most people here are my friends so they shouldn't try anything anyway....

[ he walks over and gives his shoulder a squeeze. ]

You'll be fine, Senri.

[ . . . and senri just sighs quietly before leaning over to give taka a kiss]

... I know I will be.

It feels a little dumb - to still worry about myself, at this point. Everyone else is worrying about me plenty.

I want you to worry about yourself.

[ he wraps his arms around senri, burying his face into his shoulder. ]

I can't do anything if you're not safe.

[oh.

senri just pauses at that before laughing quietly]

... sorry I turned your joke into something serious.

[but he'll wrap his arms around taka in return too, turning his head to kiss his hair]

... I'll be safe. I've been making sure of that since Day One - and I'm going to make sure that you're safe, too. Because I'll be useless without you.

You can do so much without me. Everyone believes in you for good reason, you know.

[ senri's amazing, in ways that he's not

his grip tightens on him. ]

But I'd rather not test that out. So we're both going to make it through the last week.

[ . . . and senri shakes his head quietly]

No, I... You got the Ambition alignments that I couldn't find - the ones that we needed, in the end. And all the gods care about you, and you've helped me learn so much...

You fill in all the gaps for me. And -

[ . . . ]

Can I be honest with you... about something...

Mm. You don't need to ask.

[ even if he wonders what it could be if senri has to lead in with that. ]

[ . . . senri presses his face into taka's hair for a second]

You told me... the first time that you used All Nighter by yourself - that I couldn't tell anyone. Even if I wanted to. And I thought 'of course not' because your alignment was the only one I kept as guarded as Ray-kun's and mine.

But after the trial... I told you to think about mentioning to Ishirin-san that you were the other person on Merriment, if you could. And I guess you did, and I'm... really grateful.

[he hesitates - but forces himself to continue]

Did he tell you... that I saw him before that? And when he told me - I got so scared, because I only thought of the worst things. What if you ran into each other? What if he didn't know you were just trying to help?

Even then - I was so scared of losing you, or not knowing how to help you, that I told him even though it wasn't mine to tell.

That was the first and only time I told someone your alignment, and I did exactly what you told me not to do...

[ . . . ]

I never lied about it - but I thought... I should tell you. And I'm sorry. But it's why I hate it when you say that I can do things without you - I've never wanted to. I never want to find out what it's like to be without you.

[ there's a twist of betrayal. it's the reason why he stopped talking to madoka, even though she was the first person here who he was genuinely started thinking of as a friend.

takaomi doesn't move, uncertain. ]

He didn't. He acted surprise.

[ there's a pause, and he slowly lets go of senri and quickly walks out of the bathroom. he doesn't leave the room, but instead just settles onto a sofa. ]

[and just like that - his arms feel empty.

he wonders if maybe he should've kept lying, if he should've kept it covered up so that taka didn't need to feel this way. senri thinks he was in the right but - more than that, he knows for a fact that he was scared. in that moment he didn't even think about anything besides how to keep taka safe

and he steels himself quietly before following after]

... I told him it wasn't my secret to tell... and I only shared it because I was...

[worried. scared.

he'll go to sit down on the couch - but not too close, as if that'll help give taka more room]

... I'm sorry....

[and now he's worried and scared all over again - as if one lie really is all it'll take for taka to decide this isn't worth it anymore. wasn't that what he was worried about the whole time?]

[ he doesn't look over at him at first, but he eventually scoots over to close the distance between them. he rests his head against senri's shoulder and closes his eyes.

it's more than a little hypocritical, to give senri a pass and not do the same for madoka. but. ]

I'm mad at you. [ it's an understatement; he's extremely angry. but. ] I also kept something from you to protect you.

[ the real reason for the brooch. ]

I love you so much, Senri.

[ . . . ugh.

maybe it's because senri is aware - that he did the same thing as madoka, that this is the type of thing that bothers taka so much, that even when he tried to be real that he messed up, but it makes something twist in his stomach. once taka is closer to him again, he wraps his arms around him like it'll keep him from going]

... I love you, too. [it's soft, but certain] I love you - and I don't know how long I have and...

I'm sorry... I haven't - there's nothing else. I won't -

[he hates how he stumbles over his words when it's something as fragile as this, when he's scared of breaking it]

... No more lies....

No more.

[ he shifts so that he can fit his arms around senri's waist, and he sighs. takaomi stays quiet again after that as he tries to quiet the buzzing that's going on in his head. ]

Sometimes... I think about if I hadn't said anything that day. And you'd still be so happy without me, and... as long that you're happy, that's fine. I want you to have the best life that you can, even if I'm not there.

So even if I'm mad, in the end all I can think of is how you're still next to me somehow despite everything else that could have happened. I never thought I could feel like this for another person, and it's only because of you.

.... you're so dumb.

[and senri just sighs softly before he presses his lips against taka's hair, kissing the side of his head as he continues to hold him close]

.... I don't always understand why you're with me. Why you still stay. You know better than anyone else how awful I can be. When I get angry, or jealous, or scared and so stupid things....

I don't want to lose you - but I always wonder what mistake I'll make that'll get you to realize I'm not worth it.

Because you always know better than I do. You're always kinder than I am, and smarter than I am....

But I want to be better. So I can try to match you, or get even a little close.

I don't blame you for being mad.... but please don't change your mind yet.

I'm never going to change my mind.

[ it's said so firmly, and he shifts his position so he can put his hand on senri's face and gently turn it so that they can look at each other properly. ]

I'm smart, but there's so much I don't know about, or how to do. I would have never lasted this long if I didn't have you next to me. I wouldn't know half of the things I do here if you didn't tell me them. You put yourself out there, week after week, knowing it could potentially make you a target. You're so brave.

[ he presses his lips against senri's, and pulls away. ]

There's no point in a future if you're not in it.

[senri leans in - because at the end of the day, he's weak. taka can call him brave all he wants, but senri knows what the truth is. he's selfish. so long ago he was told that the more he was known to the other participants, to the gods, the more he'd be protected. this entire time, he's only wanted to be protected and even now.

taka is going to protect him, like he had every other week. it makes senri shut his eye quietly as he tries to press his face into taka's neck as he clings on, holding him close so he can't pull away]

.... you're my future, Taka. We're going to eat every burger in the world, and travel a lot, and live together after graduation, and I always want to keep you with me.

[ . . . ]

I'll... find a way to be honest with you from now on. Even if it's hard. Even past this game... I'll do my best, as long as it's for you.

Okay. I believe you.

[ it's all he can do, and even if senri lies again, taka will just keeps believing him because at this point he's willing to sacrifice some of himself if it means he gets to keep senri. it's worth it. ]

We're going to pick a place together, and argue about how we're going to decorate. You're going to throw out my curtains and I won't talk to you for half a day, and you'll probably end up handcuffing yourself to me with one of your magician tricks until I'm forced to pay attention to you.

[ his voice is low enough that the only reason senri can hear him is because he's so close. ]

Your curtains are so ugly....

[it's just as soft, and senri still can't help but smile from where he's pressed against taka, holding onto him and leaning gently against him]

... I'll get even better at acting. You'll have to deal with my big head when I get posters with my face on them plastered around Shibuya. But once I make enough money, we'll find a place where you can get your own room for half of our video game collection, and you can put your stupid burger curtains there. I want to make sure to keep them out of our bedroom, where there's just one bed and not two nailed into the floor.

Maybe you can have a burger pillow.

One bed just for us.

[ he presses a kiss to the side of senri's head. ]

We're going to have to pick a bed in the dorm. I can't sleep without you.

[ he doesn't even want to make the attempt. ]

[soft.... senri just hums quietly before pulling back just enough that he can press their lips together]

You can choose. I don't care, as long as you're there.

[disgusting]

We'll have to test them both out to see which is more comfortable.

[ bad ]

[senri pauses and laughs. of course he laughs]

What?

What kind of tests, Shishimaru-kun? Enlighten me.

I mean, we'll take turns sleeping in them.

[ he kisses senri again, soft and lingering ]

What are you thinking of...?

[senri just pauses

and kisses taka again]

I guess you'll have to see when we get back.

[hm]

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