[senri thinks that a lot of people in the temple have no clue what he might want - but ray's talked to him enough that it's not going to be a giant shock]
... it's the same thing that I'm going to the academy for - but if I get it here, then... maybe it'd be for the best.
[it still takes him a second to admit it out loud]
... it's small, compared to everyone else's. I know that. I've been wavering a lot on it because of that but the reason I came here in the first place...
I've never known my family. It's complicated. But I want to find them. Or even just - one person. I was hoping it'd be my mother but...
There's no such thing as a wish that isn't selfish.
But it's not stupid.
[ray's feelings on family are complicated. on mothers, even more so, considering his screwed up relationship with his own that he expects no closure for.
but he's the last person who'd consider something like this to be stupid.]
[senri pauses at that and looks back at the shelves of books, as if they'll hold some kind of answer for him. plays upon plays, plenty of which he'd performed, and endless roles that he fit himself into.]
.... lately I've felt that it is.
People have told me that.... you can build your own family, or find them, out of the others you meet. I didn't understand that either, because before I came here, I lied to everyone so much that they didn't know what the real me looked like, so it's not like any of those relationships were genuine, even if they thought they cared about me.
But I have Taka now.... I still - ... I want what so many other people have. Someone who can take care of you, or knows what you were like when you were a toddler, or can remind you about points in your life that you've already forgotten.
[ . . . ]
I just don't think it's important, or grand enough, to win over everyone else's wishes.
[it's why he's working so hard to organize, to gather, to convince everyone to follow one god that guarantees their wishes - or at least get gods to agree to give out smaller wishes to everyone playing]
[it's... a little funny, how easily that answer comes.]
As many people happy as possible.
[he's gotten a little bit better about it but - the truth hasn't always been a part of that]
Madopyon's wish is like that. Sasuke's - once he works out the stupid parts - is like that. People get to be happy, outside the scope of just one person.
[he opens his mouth and then closes it, before he settles for what's easier to say right now.]
Like I said, any wish is inherently selfish. No matter how many people it helps, or regardless of who else it makes it happy, they're all born from the same need for self-satisfaction. Wanting something that keeps you going isn't "stupid".
[.... it's fine. senri won't press anymore if ray doesn't want to answer]
... we'll get it. I'm trying to get Sasuke to agree to switch to Piety, just so that that's one more person. We can make sure that Piety will definitely try to grant as many wishes as possible too, or at least give small favors for participation.
We'll have to adapt if anything changes in the plan but... I'd like as many people to get their wishes as possible.
Things get lost in large groups. Everyone talks over each other, and no one even came to any consensus besides 'talk to more gods' during that meeting. It was worth a shot, but doing things his way would've broken everything anyway.
[he was happy to spread the word because he'll try anything - but now he knows better.]
I'm going to say I want Piety to win to people personally, and I'm going to tell them to talk to him while we have more time. So he's the one convincing them, not me, so we won't run the risk of this game being voided. It still might not work.
But... I think we can do it, if everyone has the information they need to work with. Certain voices have sway, and level-headed people like you and Shishimaru can provide the logic, while I implore others to listen to me as a friend. Instead of a general 'have you considered this?' and letting people talk idly....
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[senri offers up a smile - ]
... I'll still tell you if you won't. But I guess I just wanna hear it for myself, if you trust me with it.
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[senri thinks that a lot of people in the temple have no clue what he might want - but ray's talked to him enough that it's not going to be a giant shock]
... it's the same thing that I'm going to the academy for - but if I get it here, then... maybe it'd be for the best.
[it still takes him a second to admit it out loud]
... it's small, compared to everyone else's. I know that. I've been wavering a lot on it because of that but the reason I came here in the first place...
I've never known my family. It's complicated. But I want to find them. Or even just - one person. I was hoping it'd be my mother but...
[he shrugs]
It's selfish, and stupid. You can say it.
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There's no such thing as a wish that isn't selfish.
But it's not stupid.
[ray's feelings on family are complicated. on mothers, even more so, considering his screwed up relationship with his own that he expects no closure for.
but he's the last person who'd consider something like this to be stupid.]
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.... lately I've felt that it is.
People have told me that.... you can build your own family, or find them, out of the others you meet. I didn't understand that either, because before I came here, I lied to everyone so much that they didn't know what the real me looked like, so it's not like any of those relationships were genuine, even if they thought they cared about me.
But I have Taka now.... I still - ... I want what so many other people have. Someone who can take care of you, or knows what you were like when you were a toddler, or can remind you about points in your life that you've already forgotten.
[ . . . ]
I just don't think it's important, or grand enough, to win over everyone else's wishes.
[it's why he's working so hard to organize, to gather, to convince everyone to follow one god that guarantees their wishes - or at least get gods to agree to give out smaller wishes to everyone playing]
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... Let me ask you this: what would you define as "important"?
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[it's... a little funny, how easily that answer comes.]
As many people happy as possible.
[he's gotten a little bit better about it but - the truth hasn't always been a part of that]
Madopyon's wish is like that. Sasuke's - once he works out the stupid parts - is like that. People get to be happy, outside the scope of just one person.
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But in the long-run, more people happier is better. [senri tilts his head] And if you're trying to tell me that I shouldn't sacrifice my happiness....
... I'll be okay no matter what. I've lived fifteen years like this, what's a few more?
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It's not - I still want it!
But it's not - reducing the entropy of the universe? Objectively, one helps way more people than the other!
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[he opens his mouth and then closes it, before he settles for what's easier to say right now.]
Like I said, any wish is inherently selfish. No matter how many people it helps, or regardless of who else it makes it happy, they're all born from the same need for self-satisfaction. Wanting something that keeps you going isn't "stupid".
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[he has a chance that others don't - he has an academy where he can literally reach his wish if he just tries]
Anyway... I'll decide what I want to do about it, at the end.
What about you? What do you want?
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[admittedly, ray had literally never considered adding himself to the equation until senri mentioned it.]
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... that's a good one too.
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he just shrugs, because there's a hell lot of baggage going into it that senri doesn't realize, but sure.]
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... we'll get it. I'm trying to get Sasuke to agree to switch to Piety, just so that that's one more person. We can make sure that Piety will definitely try to grant as many wishes as possible too, or at least give small favors for participation.
We'll have to adapt if anything changes in the plan but... I'd like as many people to get their wishes as possible.
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And what can you do to convince everyone that Yu couldn't, back during that meeting?
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[he was happy to spread the word because he'll try anything - but now he knows better.]
I'm going to say I want Piety to win to people personally, and I'm going to tell them to talk to him while we have more time. So he's the one convincing them, not me, so we won't run the risk of this game being voided. It still might not work.
But... I think we can do it, if everyone has the information they need to work with. Certain voices have sway, and level-headed people like you and Shishimaru can provide the logic, while I implore others to listen to me as a friend. Instead of a general 'have you considered this?' and letting people talk idly....
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But if even you, me, Sasuke, Shishimaru, Ishirin-san, and Zo can all agree on someone... that's not a number to sneeze at.
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