usogi | [ i already regret sasuke and senri ]

Stop.

[His voice is painfully quiet by Senri's ear and lacks any kind of bite. He doesn't reach up to hold Senri, but he also doesn't try the usual detachment of his arm to make Senri let go.

Reluctantly, he admits:] We still can't find him. Goro.

[ . . . senri knew that. but that was yesterday when takaomi told him. and there's still that ache in his chest, there's still that wave of disappointment because what was it all for. his fingers curl a little tighter and he needs to remind himself to breathe even though he doesn't know where majima could be and - ]

.... do you hate me now?

[because sasuke must be mad. there's the anger, after all. and senri wouldn't blame him - but there's still the notes of fear when he asks it.

even if it's deserved, he doesn't want to be left behind]

[Senri isn't wrong. There's anger. But the reason isn't for what Senri thinks. It's too personal, it's turned too far inward. He hates himself more than he probably hated his brother a long time ago.

He's always hated himself... for his shortcomings, for not being strong enough. To protect his friends, to defeat Itachi, to make the village better. To accept the truth.]

Why would I hate you?

[He hates himself for not knowing how to apologize, to say thank you. To love.]

.... I shouldn't have been out there.

[and he knows it - he's avoided the wings for so much of this week, has never gone anywhere that there could be a monster to maul him. he has no blessings that can help him this week, no powers that could protect him. for so long, he was smart enough to avoid what was bad for him.

but dangle a family in front of him and he'll do anything.

for as long as sasuke doesn't pull away, neither will senri]

I'm an idiot, and you got hurt because of it. I'm sorry - I'm still really sorry.

[what did sasuke say before? if people ended up close to senri, they could do stupid things for him - like agreeing to take him out to the monster forest just because he asked]

You are an idiot. And you shouldn't have been out there.

[He's not going to sugarcoat this, dammit! This is Ray, Takaomi, and Sasuke hating Senri pulling stupid stunts solidarity.

And yet, the anger just festers quietly in the background, not coming forward and not consuming. It doesn't seem to be directed at Senri at all.]

It wasn't your fault. It happened because of me. If I had my chakra...

[There's the anger.]

That's not—

[he looks sincerely surprised at this? it bubbles up in his emotions as he lifts his head at that, watching sasuke's expression even as he doesn't let go.]

It wasn't your fault. If you weren't there, I would've—

[he would've died, and wouldn't that have been a way to go? they would've had to find him, half-eaten in the woods, on some stupid mission to find someone that might not even be able to be found. his heart twists with the fear, the uncertainty of that and he shakes his head]

You're the only reason I'm still here.

You wouldn’t have gone inside if it weren’t for me.

[Well. Senri might have anyway with someone else, but maybe then he would have been alright. He would have been okay. Or either no one would have taken him, and Senri would have not gone and instead whines at the forest entrance.

That seems better.

He closes his eye, squeeze it. Turns his head away.]

I should have lead it away. [No.] I should have watched behind us.

... I would've.

[and he admits this very quietly, very fearfully:]

I was being stupid, and I would've. If you didn't take me, if I couldn't have found someone else, I would've still gone - because I wasn't thinking. That's not your fault. That's -

[that's senri's mistake, that so far everything has turned out his way, that somehow he's survived this long so maybe he'll keep surviving. he reaches up place a hand on sasuke's face, his cheek, and tries to guide his face back to see him]

You were just protecting me. I shouldn't have put you in that position.

[He lifts his head but it takes a moment for him to relent in order to look at Senri. His brows furrow, though not as much as usual when the tug on his healing eye hurts. The frown hasn’t dissipated.]

There wasn’t any reason for you to be in there. If Goro was missing, the rest of us could have searched for him. How would we tell him you were dead if something happened and it turned out he was fine?

[Worry scrambles up into his throat, choking Senri across from him with it. He wants to will it back down. He hates being connected, being so easily read without any way to conceal what he’s feeling. He says one thing, or doesn’t say anything at all, and Senri can still feel what he can’t hide.]

...He said it wouldn’t be by his hand or design. In the end, he was right.

[ . . . hah. Senri nods and he takes it - even though the worry makes something else ache in his chest. the guilt is there, of course, but there is the gratitude that he can't fight. the fact that he's happy still that anyone even bothers to care about him, selfish as it may be.]

.... I know. Now - I know.

That's why I... I can't apologize to anyone enough. You. Shishimaru. Ray-kun. I was just... We still can't find him, and I don't know where he is, and if something happened to him -

[he'd never had a family before. but now that he's gotten even the slightest taste of it, something twists in his chest. the fear and the concern that it will already be taken from him]

But that's... not your problem. It's mine.

We're friends, but I can't just keep making you take care of me.

[and he can't meet sasuke's eyes at that, his expression falling as he pulls his hand back too - suddenly regretting because sasuke's too intense for him as always]

[For a long moment, he’s quiet, thinking. He remembers... talking to Merriment. He wants to forget the truths of that conversation, but he can’t. Friends... It’s a difficult relationship to parse when people are so different.

Reaching up, he catches Senri’s forearm and holds the arm still between them. His eye looks down then slowly back up.] Friends... [He thinks about Naruto and Sakura. Senri gets a strange swelter of emotion breaking through the gloom—it’s so odd. Guilt, but... peace and understanding. Being loved. The warm and steady roll of friends whose love you can feel, sturdy. A longing for them when they’re missing. A wound, not exactly healed, a fester of scar tissue being soothed.]

...true friends, don’t give up on you. No matter... how far into the darkness you walk. You won’t stop them from taking care of you.

[ . . . . god dammit.

senri feels the emotions and - he struggles with them initially. because on one part he's happy. sasuke can feel that too, the happiness of someone understanding how friendship works, but... there's still the feeling as if he doesn't deserve this. as if he's always going to be more trouble than he's worth.

the endless pulse that he wouldn't be surprised if he's still left alone at the end of the day, no matter how hard he fights it.

still, he smiles - a soft and fragile thing.]

... remember when we first met?

[when they had two entirely different conversations about the same topic: friendship, and how hard it can be to accept, and what friends are meant to do]

I never thought you'd turn the tables on me.

I...

[He just frowns, not knowing what to say about how this occurred. In four weeks, ripped away from his powers, a ninja war, his own problems, he’s had time to understand and listen to others. He’s... had time. It isn’t much different than being with Team 7 from the beginning, back when he had started to do so well before Itachi swept the cards into disarray.]

I thought it got in my way... back home. I thought... they were holding me back. I wasn’t strong enough to beat Itachi, and... they would have been better off without me like I would have been better off without them. So I could focus... on getting revenge for my clan. But... it was a lie. I was living in my own fantasy, and I...

[It isn’t guilt so much as a deep, weighty regret.]

I didn’t want to see that... they never gave up on me. No matter how much I tried to make them hate me. They still... tried to bring me back. Naruto... never gave up on his promise. [His hand loosens to let Senri’s arm go.] Takaomi would do the same for you.

[ . . . . he knows that. there's an understanding in his chest - because he knows what it's like to have friends like that, somehow. it's a weird, odd feeling in his chest, one that couples together with guilt and confusion because he doesn't think he deserves it. but.

when sasuke lets senri's arm go, he'll just raise both of his hands to rest on sasuke's shoulders, as if to anchor him. to keep him in place again.]

... they care about you. I get the sentiment, too. And I'm... really glad that you have people like that.

[ . . . ]

I don't think I would've been better off without you here. So... please listen to me - and don't blame yourself for my mistakes, when I know that you were just trying to take care of me - like a good friend. You did take care of me.

You still caught me.

[His face gently pinches. He doesn’t want to hear these soft and caring words out of Senri. He wants Senri to hate him. It’s easier that way, he thought? If Naruto and Sakura and all over his peers hated him. If the village hated him. If everyone here hated him. It’d be easier to play this game and come out unscathed and winning.]

I said I would.

[He doesn’t feel as if he did, but he’s too tired to argue with Senri about it. Not when the two of them have had such a wild run in the forest of the east wing. Next time... this time... he’ll just have to try harder. Be smarter.

Maybe take a little of Merriment’s advice.]

... and you did - because I would be a lot worse off if I didn't have you.

[and there's still the complicated emotions regarding that - because they're strung red, and sasuke lost an eye because of it, because of senri's stupid selfish request when he should've thought to bring more people along too. ah, there were so many things that he could've done... and he just shakes his head as he steps in closer to sasuke again to give him a hug whether he was expecting or wanted it or not]

... I can still feel what you feel, you know?

And that guilt coming from you... I don't know how to get rid of it - but I need you to know that I'm grateful for what you've done for me, and how you've saved me from myself.

[Most of him grows tense when Senri loops arms around him. But... his feelings don’t lie. He isn’t an actor like Senri, no matter how well he can pretend to be an asshole.

There’s relief and gratitude. A soft ball of of things that never seemed like they would come from him. An unyielding, undying passion. Uchihas love so exceptionally—their families, their friends. Hate never comes unless what they care for most is ripped from them, and the love overshadows it every time anyway. It pours out of him, like a bottle uncorked. A little chaotic, a little much, almost as if he’s afraid to be hurt, somewhat terrifying. One of the things he guards with everything he has.

His shoulders slouch, his body giving up. The tension doesn’t drain so much as loosen. His face drops gently into the curve where Senri’s shoulder meets the neck, careful of his bandaged eye.]

[a little bit of anxiety in senri's gut unfurls.

there was worry over sasuke - how he was feeling, if he had someone taking care of him, whether he was still doing more things that were dangerous - but now it eases. at least when sasuke's in his arms like this, senri know he can't go anywhere, he can't do any damage to hurt himself. he breathes out a sigh of relief as sasuke curls a little bit into him, and senri only lets his hand come up to sasuke's hair, running through it in a way that he hopes is soothing.

once, he would've been paralyzed by this. it would be too fragile of a moment for him to hold, too fearful that he'd do something wrong, too uncertain of what it meant to have a real, sincere relationship with another person that wasn't just smoke and mirrors.

but now he sighs and he smiles, careful as it is]

... we'll be okay. I still have faith in you.

[For some time, he stays there, loose and held with his eye shut. He doesn’t turn his head or lift his arms. It’s... Senri gets a gentle bounce of calm. A tight, squeezing ball of worry unfurling for the time being.]

I was going to try to find the person who killed Fortune. [He’s not sure why he admits it now other than the fact he is tired. No... Not that even. Someone told him... maybe he should consider talking and things wouldn’t turn out so badly all the time.] But...

You defected, and I didn’t have a favor to ask to stay awake for curfew. Ruin will probably die unless someone has an ability that can protect her. It won’t matter how strong she claims to be.

[ . . . and senri will just sigh quietly. he doesn't move either, instead just letting his fingers run through sasuke's hair as he speaks, thinking as he does.]

... why do you think I'm staying with you tonight, instead of with Ishirin-san?

[he can't say much more than that, though.]

Please don't ask me to say more, but... you're not the only one who's trying.

I know that Ray involved you in his plan for Saturday, and I have one too. If you'll let me borrow your coin, I'm going to try to get everyone to show me their coins. I think it'll give a hint about who's defected and who hasn't. It'll help give us an idea of who left Ruin, too....

Don’t worry about me. Stay with who you want.

[Slowly, he lifts his head up and straightens without exactly pulling away. The frown is there, followed by a fleeting zip of guilt.]

If you want. I’ve defected since arriving. It’s... [He shifts, using his good arm to dig into his pocket. The coin he brings out is so terribly tarnished. Obviously he isn’t lying about defecting. He lets it lay open on his palm raised between them.] There.

I told Ray... I would let him know if they were lying when he gave the signal.

No, that's... [ . . . sasuke use your damn brain. he levels sasuke with a Look.] ... I need you to not talk to Ishirin-san about it, because I don't know how much he trusts you but. He's way ahead of you, and has the power to do what you wanted to.

[please understand,,,,]

That's fine... That means we'll have your coin, my twice-defected coin, Ray-kun's once-defected coin, and Shishimaru's perfect coin. If we have them for comparison, we can figure it out.

He told me your signals and to cover for you so you don't get too much attention so... It'll be okay.

There's something else I was told... but I don't know if I can share it with you yet. I'm not sure what to do about it, or what it means, so I'll tell you when I can. I need to check something with another god first.

[His face pinches softly with consideration and thought. Damn, he can’t keep anything a secret unless he keeps his mouth shut. Ray betrayed him. It’s fine. He never explicitly told Ray to keep it a secret anyway.]

Mm.

[There isn’t anything for him to do but accept what Senri is willing to give. He glances away a moment. A feeling of helplessness rumbles up, strangling. If he only had his chakra... if he could use his eyes’ abilities. He could have easily obtained the truth, or locked someone in an illusion, or even had them do what he wanted.]

And you kept whining about how I wouldn’t tell you anything.

[ . . . . . dammit. there's the little feeling of guilt and senri winces, and pouts.]

... I'll tell you what I know, but you can't be mad at me. And you have to trust me, too, and not do anything else on your own that'll make me worry. If you're using my information, then I should get to know what you're going to do with it.

[exactly how much does senri have,]

And you make dinner tonight.

[This time, Senri is the one who gets a Look. Wtf. Why does Senri have all this fucking—no, you know what. Sasuke being in the dark is literally his entire character arc. This is IC and apprpriate.]

What?

I have one eye. Are you being a baby or do you actually trust me to cook? I’m not a housewife.

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