usogi | [ i already regret sasuke and senri ]

[sometimes it just helps to go back to basics.

it's after he storms out, and after he spends some time away but - senri will eventually try to find sasuke. he comes with a tray of food. rice balls, cherry tomatoes, and a smaller bowl of almonds. and when he starts, his voice is soft still]

... hi.

Sorry if - you don't want to see me right now....

[He's packing mostly. The movement of his arms does slow when Senri's voice appears, but then they continue again. He has what looks like a police utility belt, empty, being filled.

There's something in one pocket, chains it looks like and three billiard balls. On the other side, five or six inch thin stakes are tucked into another pouch. A small canister in another. Tucked behind the belt at his backside is a sword hidden in a scabbard.

Instead of accepting anything, he lifts his fingers and slides something small and metallic in his mouth between his cheek and his teeth on one side.]

Do you need something? I'm not hungry.

[ . . . . hm.

senri goes to sit by him, curling up on whatever surface is available by drawing his knees up to his chest and hugging them close. he sets his chin on top of his knees as he watches. the food is set near sasuke's materials, except for a cherry tomato that senri steals for himself to eat as he thinks about an answer]

... just to say sorry.

[ . . . ]

I wish I could do more for you, when you're dealing with difficult things.

I don't need you to do anything for me.

[Carefully, he plucks the retractable wire out of the armband, pulling it some length to test it before slowly letting it ravel back in.]

Worry about yourself.

[Something burns dimly in his chest again, but when he steels himself against it, the burn isn't quite as bad as before.]

We're friends. It's not a need, but - you know.

[senri will just continue to watch him quietly]

... Entrapta and Catra, right?

[ . . . ]

Please be careful.

All that matters is Ray's killer dies.

[He moves away. For specific reasons, but it seems as if he does to put on the pair of boots sitting off to the side. He shifts the sword with practiced ease and sits up higher, bringing a knee up, taking his time.]

Shouldn't you be getting ready to be knocked out instead of bothering me?

Beauty will come pick me up. [ . . . well.] And I'll go to him in a little bit, anyway. We're having a slumber party.

I'm just worried....

Even when you were on Merriment, you weren't part of the All Nighter crew, so....

Why does that matter?

[It feels easier... to be angry, so he takes that without thinking of anything else because he doesn't want to think of anything else. His fingers fumble with the metal groves and the laces anyway.]

If I can defeat a god, I can kill a cat that killed a twelve year old.

[yeah he's pouting]

... you know Ray-kun wasn't a normal twelve year old.

I believe in you, and I want to believe that you'll be okay.

... that doesn't mean I'll worry any less though.

[stop]

I sparred with her weeks ago. [Like before, his hands pause, but then they pick up again.] I know how she moves. I know they'll work together.

I told you all that mattered was she dies. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it happens.

.... that's not all that matters.

Don't say that again, or I'll get mad.

[and WHAT? pout him into SUBMISSION?]

[The last pull on the laces is hard, but with trembling fingers. He stands back up. In a way, it looks as if he wants to move toward Senri, but his feet turn in the other direction.] Her dying is all that matters.

[It's a challenge.]

If something happens, keep Kara out of everyone's way. Now get out of here and go back to your boyfriend. Looking at you...

[But he doesn't finish.]

Stop it.

[and he is mad - even if it's not to the extent that he threatened. he watches sasuke closely, catches the tremble in his fingers, and he frowns]

You have to come back, Sasuke.

I'm going to be waiting, so you can't - even if you don't manage to do it, I need you to come back. You and Ishirin-san both.

[He closes his eye. His face pinches as if he's trying very hard to will something away, as if he's trying to focus.]

I'm going to make sure he comes back one way or another.

Sasuke.

[again - but a bit more pleading]

I know you're cursed, but you have to be listening to me....!

[For a long moment, he stands there without saying anything else. He doesn't open his eye. But the purposefully hardened look on his face softens slightly at the edges, the brows.]

I don't want to come back. I want it to end. [A pause.] I want to see Itachi. And I want to return to Konoha where I belong.

[ . . . .

for some reason, senri felt like he should've known.

cursed or not, rinnengan or not, he should've known. it felt like he was getting his hopes up on monday, to think that he might be able to keep even one important friend that he'd met here. he's quiet as he reassesses and reminds himself that everyone is bound to lie to him eventually.

still he stands and walks over to sasuke, and reaches to place a hand over his]

... just a little bit longer, please.

I.... It's been hard for you, right?

But - please come back. Stay [with me] just one week longer..... please.

[The eye snaps open. He jerk his hand away like he's stung. He's trying so hard to go against the rolling burn in his chest. There's so much something strange tries to force him to do. Hold his face, touch his lips, pull him close.] Don't make it awkward. [It's biting, an obviously parroted line.]

Leave.

You're so damn annoying. I'm cursed, you idiot, so stop bothering me. You have what you want now. [being happy] Stop being... [he shouldn't say it he shouldn't say it he knows he shouldn't say it at all because even with the double-up of effort to mask the infatuation,

just so he can get by, so he can exist without thinking of senri all the time,

he knows it's not how he feels] ...so damn selfish.

... I know I am.

[it's an almost resigned admittance - though it's far from a proud one. he pulls his hand back to himself, as though not entirely sure what to do with it but at the same time.]

I'm very selfish. And I know you're cursed, but I... You're my friend, Sasuke. I didn't want me storming out of a room to be the last time that I see you tonight.

I wanted to say that I hope you stay safe, and I'm worried about you.

And that I need you to come back, because I'm too scared to think of being without you.

[and those are all selfish things to say, because it's about what senri wants. but what has their relationship been, if not senri imposing on sasuke every single step of the way?]

[It would have been a lot easier on him if Senri would have just left. No matter how awful he had been, he'd bear that burden if it meant he wouldn't have to succumb to the painful, shuddery exhale that escapes him.

His chin drops to his chest, and he squeezes his eye shut almost as hard as he squeezes his fists at his sides.]

You don't need me. I'm not going to stand around and be in the way. I have better things to do. I'm going to be gone when it's all over. You have Takaomi, and you have your reward, and you'll have everyone else's reward if you aren't stupid and you help them end the game on good terms.

There's no use begging for another week. I'm killing Catra. There's still going to be a trial.

... I'm sorry.

[and that's all that senri can say, quickly and briefly, before he steps forward again. his hand comes up to rest on sasuke's cheek, trying to guide his face up - and senri feels bad, because he's sure that the tender gesture won't make anything better but.]

I'm sorry - I know this is hard for you, but... if you're saying all this, I want you to mean it. I'm not going to believe it, until you're not cursed. Because it's okay - it's okay if you don't want to come to Tokyo anymore, it's okay if you changed your mind, and -

[and won't be there to catch me.]

.... I'm going to keep waiting. I'll be waiting for you to come back, and then I'll be waiting for your answer. Because no matter how much I do have, I'm selfish, and greedy, and I'm always going to want to see you.

There's always going to be a place for you with me, Sasuke.

[Really, it's the persistence that's his undoing every time. At home, here. The feeling isn't quite as bad as before, but the fingers light up his skin, and his face turns slightly feverish.

So he hides it by tipping his head and resting the side of it against Senri's cheek and brow. And he thinks... his body hadn't told him anything different. The broken, sad, cold core of him hadn't ever told him anything new.

It's awful how well his hands fit against each side of Senri's neck under the jaw, the rough thumbs curled up over the cheeks. He turns his head, and... it still doesn't feel any different to him. The waving flame being fueled in him now... is the same waving flame he had in the fun house, on the ferris wheel, carrying Justice on his back, throwing Senri into the waves.]

Why won't... you just give up... [He whispers it, too afraid of the crack of his own voice.] Everything... is the same. I wasn't... supposed to find any of this here. You weren't... supposed to be here. I was coming... and winning... and going. [And now, dammit.

The kiss he gives Senri isn't passionate. It isn't a heartfelt shoujo kiss, like the one that should have happened beneath fireworks. If anything, it's chaste and terrified, and his lips are dry, and he doesn't know how because he never has, and it's over almost before it begins. Guiltily, all of him draws away immediately after, his hands falling, his arms, his foot taking half a step back.]

I want you to keep smiling for everyone, even if it's without me.

[there's something that keeps senri in place, even though he's well aware that sasuke is cursed. when he turns his head, senri's hand drops and falls to sasuke's wrists. he doesn't try to move him, only tries to stay connected as he listens. he'd told people - sasuke isn't the type of person that just words can get through to. it's why senri touches him so often. a hand at his arm, arms around his neck, physically keeping him from moving to destroy himself.

at the end of the day, it's trust.

though he freezes at the kiss, and that connection means nothing when he's too surprised to react, to keep sasuke from pulling away.

senri decides that he somehow hates this curse more than all the others.

he's left staring owlishly, even as his hand comes up to his mouth, as if still confused by the pressure, the gesture of affection. it takes him a moment to respond, to be able to finally hear what sasuke was saying and he blinks once. twice.]

... it won't be complete, you know.

I'll still find reasons to smile - [because senri has taka, and he wonders how to remind them both of that, that senri has taka and will always have taka] - ... but I'll always miss you.

[Unsure of how to feel--no, that's a lie, he knows exactly how he feels, and he's always known how to feel and how he felt--unsure of how to process the feelings, he doesn't know what to do with himself.]

You... [He stops, trying to think about what he wants to say, how he wants to say it.] This whole time, you've... been the only one to give a damn, and... the only one who was making progress. I...

...was jealous. That it was so easy for you... to connect with others, to be so powerful in getting information and changing people's minds. And I guess... like Naruto... I never took my sights off you, the one always ahead of me, like Itachi, while I struggled to catch up.

So when... I saw you hurting, I hurt, too. But now... you're happy, and you can focus on winning the game the best way. I don't think... someone like me could ever make you smile like the others can. I...

[His face pinches gently. He's not sure if there's more. He's already exhausted. He turns to leave, but then stops after a few steps.] I'm sorry... [He wonders if his voice has ever been this fragile.]

About the photograph.

[it doesn't matter if he's turning to leave, because senri is immediately following after him, reaching for his hand and squeezing. squeezing tight. a grip that doesn't match with how suddenly fragile he feels.]

That - was you?

[his voice trembles, and shakes]

... don't be sorry. [and he hates how he already feels himself crying again, and a hand comes up to brush away the tears that are certainly running down his cheeks] Don't be sorry for... giving me something I wanted...

[it's such a difficult feeling.

when this entire time, since he found out about the brooch, he'd been thinking about how deeply he suddenly wishes that people could care about him less. how intensely he wants them to forget him, if it just meant caring about themselves a little bit more.

yet when confronted with this - with this understanding of what was given to him, by someone who cared about him.

he's still too stupid, and selfish to let go]

Don't apologize.... [more brokenly:] Don't go...

[ i already regret sasuke and senri ]

week 6, thursday

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