usogi | [ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

[ all he can really do is hold senri a little more tightly.

he knows it's a gamble, saying things like this before curfew, but he wills away any doubt and decides to focus on just believing in these words. because senri dies, taka thinks that it won't be too long til he follows. ]

Forever.

[forever. senri will let the word linger, and he'll hold onto it. because he's never had anything that he thought could last forever. he's never had someone that he could hold onto, the one that he could hold onto taka. and he wonders if it's dangerous, to cling onto someone like this with everything that he has, to place his happiness on someone he could lose.

he laughs, quietly.]

... the very first week, Rise-chan told me something. I didn't get what she meant at all back then, but I think I have a better understanding now.

Wanna know what it was?

[ he pulls back a bit so he can peer at senri curiously. the first week feels so very, very long ago. ]

What is it?

... she asked me what love meant to me. [and he appreciates the pulling back, because his fingers are reaching for the brooch on his lapel again, quietly undoing it] And of course I told her what I thought it was - fluttering hearts, cute dates, holding hands... Everything in the movies.

And then she said... love is more than that. 'Love has a way of sneaking up on you.' I thought it was silly, to think that I could find something like that in a place like this.

[he's careful as he places the brooch on the inside of taka's hoodie, where his uniform jacket normally covers it. hidden away, so that it's not as obvious.]

It was even stranger to me, when she said 'don't be afraid of it' because I thought... I was looking for love my whole life. Someone to take care of me, to hold my hand when I was feeling alone, to tell me that everything was going to work out okay. Who would be afraid of it?

[ . . . and his fingers find the fabric of taka's jacket as he holds on, head ducked as he can't quite manage to meet taka's eyes]

... but I'm afraid of the way that you'll put yourself in danger for me. And I'm afraid of what you'll hide from me, to keep me safe. I'm really scared of how you might get hurt, and it'd be my fault.

And - I'm pretty sure it's because I love you, in a way that I haven't loved anyone before.

[ it's an interesting thing.

because takaomi is so scared of reaching out to people. you can control your own actions, but you can't control others, and it's so easy for someone to knock over everything that you built together. every time you make yourself vulnerable in front of someone is another chance for you to get hurt later on, at any whim of theirs, and it's just so much safer to wrap yourself up in solitude.

he's been told, over and over again throughout the weeks by a variety of people, of how sad that line of thinking is. gods have given him tasks that would require him to talk to others. he'd be forced to place trust in someone else in exchange for information and help. it's been a struggle, week after week, to put himself out there when he would have preferred to stay on his own and try to figure things out his own way.

and then there's senri.

senri, who won't let things go when he senses something is wrong. senri, who is so loud and energetic and thrives under attention. senri, who is loved by so many people here even if he himself can't see it sometimes. who taka wants to hold onto and never let go. who taka depends on, every day, because if he wasn't here than the whole reason of competing in this contest seems pointless.

he stares at him, his expression a mix of surprise and fondness and just so much. feeling. and all he can do is gently places a hand under senri's chin so he can lift it up, to look at him, even though he's so sure that his own expression must be gross with how much affection that's inside him for this boy. ]

Nito Senri... I love you, more than anything, and anyone. I love you.

[if senri was a less selfish person, he would've remembered to say you don't have to say it back.

because taka isn't the same as senri. taka is someone who keeps everything closely guarded, and senri never entirely understood why. not for the longest time. he wonders if he's getting a taste of it now, of that feeling of being hurt so badly by someone who you trusted. to feel the other end of the deception, to feel the loss of someone who liked you enough to lie to you, to keep you safe. it's not the same thing. it's never the same thing, when it comes to the two of them but.

he lets his chin be lifted and he pauses, when he hears taka tell him that in return. because senri didn't have to ask him to, and if it's taka, then... even now, senri will choose to believe that it's not a lie. he'll choose to believe in taka, every single day.

and his heart aches with the feeling, with the word finally being placed to what he'd been feeling for - how long?

senri wishes that his immediate reaction to strong emotion wasn't to cry - but he'd managed so many crocodile tears in the time before he came here, he wonders if it's somehow karma for him to feel only real ones now. he tears up, but presses forward to kiss taka anyway, as if that'll manage to hide his overly emotional reaction.

but even then, he smiles against his lips, and can't help but laugh softly]

... I love you, Taka. I love you, too.

I love you more than I feel afraid... and I hope that's okay.

Love was one of the gods who originally offered her their hand to me. And I never considered taking it, because I thought the concept was so far off from what I was after.

[ the hand that was holding onto senri's chin moves to wipe away at senri's tears, his thumb softly brushing against his cheek. ]

I'm not really... good at this kind of stuff. I probably won't be as romantic as you want me to be. I'm going to forget to bring flowers sometimes. I don't like Valentine's Day. You're going to get so pissed off at me, Senri.

[ he goes for another kiss, because when he's at a loss of what to say it's what comes to mind. maybe he can transfer his feelings this way, if he tries hard enough.

but he also knows that a kiss isn't enough. ]

I'm a coward. I think that... I probably could have made a lot of good friendships here, if I actually tried harder. But I couldn't. I can see glimpses of it sometimes though, and I can start to understand a little what everyone has been telling me this whole time...

[ to try. that other people aren't that scary, and even if you fall after putting yourself out there, someone can still catch you. takaomi doesn't think that the amount of time he's been here is really enough time to overcome this fear, but he can take the steps towards it. ]

But I feel so much braver when I'm with you. It's not as hard, and I... you make love feel so real to me, like I can finally understand it.

[senri leans into taka's touch, he leans into taka's kiss, he leans into everything that he says even if it makes him laugh. his eye is still watery and he thinks it's so dumb, that when he's upset he cries, when he's happy he cries, and he wonders if he'll ever be into tap into feelings this intense for when he goes onto the stage. he wonders why it's such a painful thing to be real.]

.... you hate every holiday, Taka....

[he starts with that, as if a small joke will be enough time to ease his emotions into something that doesn't risk exploding so suddenly.]

... last week, I told Rise-chan my secret. I told her about you, because I wasn't sure how to explain what I felt yet. I didn't know what to call it. I told her about how we didn't get along at all, at the beginning. But I also told her about how long we've known each other, and how... even back home, I always had you.

'As long as it's you'... is what I've been thinking, for a really long time. [he places a hand over taka's, keeping it to hold] When we entered this game, and I thought... I could rely on you, at least, even if no one else would trust me. And even when people did start to trust me, you were the only one that I thought would never lie to me.

You're... [he shakes his head quietly] You've always been the most real thing in my life, like I don't have to act, and I don't need a script. I've always counted on you, to tell me when I was doing something that could hurt someone. To keep me safe. To... help me be someone better than I am.

I don't know how long I've had these feelings, but I plan to keep them forever.

I plan to keep you forever.

[ he presses a kiss to senri's forehead. ]

I should... be honest, since you were honest to me about Tamaki. [ ... ] I think I had a crush on Sheba. And then she died, and I didn't actually realize what those feelings were until a couple of weeks later.

I'm only telling you this because... I saw her yesterday, and we hung out, and it was nice. But it was just like seeing a good friend, instead of someone I like. Because nothing really compares to you. Whenever I'm doing anything, I think about how much better it would be if you were there too.

[ he isn't sure if he could ever feel this strongly for anyone else. like he might stop breathing if something went wrong, and something happened to senri. ]

No one makes me want to try as much as you do. No one makes me as happy. No one gets under my skin as much. I hate it when I wake up and you've already gotten out of bed, because you're the first thing I want to see every morning. I love you.

[ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

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