[ senri & ray are not okay ]

[usogi]

Comments

[selfimmolates]

[what the hell is senri doing in a bookstore. also, good to know.]

No reason in particular. It's just interesting to think about—some kind of cosmic force suddenly offering to turn you into a god, albeit at the expense of leaving behind everything you've known.

[usogi]

[he's obviously in the plays section, jan.

i'm not going to pretend he's even glanced anywhere else.]

Are you sure there's no reason or do you think there's something sketchy and I should be asking? I still need to write back to Passhi too, so maybe she could have some answers.

[selfimmolates]

I was just talking about it with Rise earlier. For most of them, it happened after a major event in their lives—from the sound of it, Rise died, or something like that. They received the call to ascend, and they chose yes. She doesn't know why they in particular were chosen.

[he tilts his head, examining senri.]

... The idea of someone like you becoming a god is pretty weird, though.

[usogi]

She- [ . . . and he pauses, and winces.] .... I'm glad she gets to be here, at least.

[and then he sighs faintly, shrugging]

I don't think I'd be a very good god. There's way too much responsibility, and so many people to take care of. I wouldn't do well on my own - it's why I guess I'm surprised that they want to pick a leader among them when making anything worthwhile is a collaborative effort.

[selfimmolates]

Well, leaders of some kind are usually needed for organization. It's probably why Piety is the favoured god to win, since he seems to actually know a few things about delegation.

[...]

If you did die, though, would you accept?

[usogi]

[ . . . ]

Maybe. I might stay out of the fighting like Passhi, or maybe I'd agree to the game and play it like Beauty or Cheri.

If I died, I already wouldn't have any chance of getting what I want, or staying with Taka.

[selfimmolates]

... What is that you want? If you'll say.

[usogi]

Will you tell me yours too?

[senri offers up a smile - ]

... I'll still tell you if you won't. But I guess I just wanna hear it for myself, if you trust me with it.

[selfimmolates]

... Mine isn't going to be some kind of grand reveal, if that's what you're hoping for. But all right.

[usogi]

Neither is mine.

[senri thinks that a lot of people in the temple have no clue what he might want - but ray's talked to him enough that it's not going to be a giant shock]

... it's the same thing that I'm going to the academy for - but if I get it here, then... maybe it'd be for the best.

[it still takes him a second to admit it out loud]

... it's small, compared to everyone else's. I know that. I've been wavering a lot on it because of that but the reason I came here in the first place...

I've never known my family. It's complicated. But I want to find them. Or even just - one person. I was hoping it'd be my mother but...

[he shrugs]

It's selfish, and stupid. You can say it.

[selfimmolates]

[...]

There's no such thing as a wish that isn't selfish.

But it's not stupid.

[ray's feelings on family are complicated. on mothers, even more so, considering his screwed up relationship with his own that he expects no closure for.

but he's the last person who'd consider something like this to be stupid.]

[usogi]

[senri pauses at that and looks back at the shelves of books, as if they'll hold some kind of answer for him. plays upon plays, plenty of which he'd performed, and endless roles that he fit himself into.]

.... lately I've felt that it is.

People have told me that.... you can build your own family, or find them, out of the others you meet. I didn't understand that either, because before I came here, I lied to everyone so much that they didn't know what the real me looked like, so it's not like any of those relationships were genuine, even if they thought they cared about me.

But I have Taka now.... I still - ... I want what so many other people have. Someone who can take care of you, or knows what you were like when you were a toddler, or can remind you about points in your life that you've already forgotten.

[ . . . ]

I just don't think it's important, or grand enough, to win over everyone else's wishes.

[it's why he's working so hard to organize, to gather, to convince everyone to follow one god that guarantees their wishes - or at least get gods to agree to give out smaller wishes to everyone playing]

[selfimmolates]

[he's quiet as he listens.]

... Let me ask you this: what would you define as "important"?

[usogi]

Happiness.

[it's... a little funny, how easily that answer comes.]

As many people happy as possible.

[he's gotten a little bit better about it but - the truth hasn't always been a part of that]

Madopyon's wish is like that. Sasuke's - once he works out the stupid parts - is like that. People get to be happy, outside the scope of just one person.

[selfimmolates]

So a single person's happiness doesn't matter?

[usogi]

It does.

But in the long-run, more people happier is better. [senri tilts his head] And if you're trying to tell me that I shouldn't sacrifice my happiness....

... I'll be okay no matter what. I've lived fifteen years like this, what's a few more?

[selfimmolates]

I'm just really pissed off at you calling your wish insignificant.

[usogi]

[senri frowns]

It's not - I still want it!

But it's not - reducing the entropy of the universe? Objectively, one helps way more people than the other!

[selfimmolates]

... You really have no idea how similar you and I are, do you?

[usogi]

I'd rather you wouldn't insult yourself like that - I'm great, but you don't give yourself enough credit on how amazing you are, Ray-kun.

[selfimmolates]

Shut up, idiot.

[he opens his mouth and then closes it, before he settles for what's easier to say right now.]

Like I said, any wish is inherently selfish. No matter how many people it helps, or regardless of who else it makes it happy, they're all born from the same need for self-satisfaction. Wanting something that keeps you going isn't "stupid".

[usogi]

.... I can keep going without it, is the thing.

[he has a chance that others don't - he has an academy where he can literally reach his wish if he just tries]

Anyway... I'll decide what I want to do about it, at the end.

What about you? What do you want?

[selfimmolates]

You guessed it already, for the most part: for my family's continued survival.

[admittedly, ray had literally never considered adding himself to the equation until senri mentioned it.]

[usogi]

[senri offers up a smile and nods]

... that's a good one too.

[selfimmolates]

[...

he just shrugs, because there's a hell lot of baggage going into it that senri doesn't realize, but sure.]