[... well okay he wasn't expecting like. an actual confession and he's evidently thrown off by this. it takes him a moment to recover, before—]
If that's the case, then you shouldn't be attaching yourself to someone like me. Besides, Takaomi seemed ready to fight anyone who messed with you last trial.
As funny as it might be, I don't want you to do any of that. I just expect you to continue as you've always done. Be dishonest, if you want. It doesn't matter.
... what if he just punched senri and fled? no, then senri would still bother him tomorrow... also some other people here might kill him for it, depending.]
Why? To you, I should just be the unsettling kid who's insulted you, semi-deliberately stabbed someone, done things that offend your sensibilities—among other things.
If this is out of pity for my circumstances back home or whatever, don't. That'd just piss me off more.
Ray-kun, you're a lot smarter and stronger than I am - regardless of your circumstances, you deserve to win this just because you're good at what you do. You're my friend, even if you're super grumpy all the time and won't play games with me. But we don't have to get along perfectly for that to matter, for me to want you to be happy.
I'm sorry that I don't get what I did wrong... but I can't leave it like this....
I'm worried about you, and I don't want to be the jerk that messed up your chances of trusting anyone or having faith in people here.
without warning—and without any thinking on ray's part—his hand flashes out, fist clenching into senri's collar.
... he doesn't do anything, though. doesn't even meet senri's eyes, keeping his gaze dropped below. his mouth opens, as if he wants to speak but can't find the words. it's hard to breathe.]
[oh no - senri goes with the movement, but also just. quietly places his hand over ray's fist, light and gentle, without actually trying to remove it]
... please let me in.
I'm - still learning how to be honest with people, so I know I'm making mistakes too but... I'll risk being truthful with you all the time, if it means you don't have to be alone.
[again, he breathes in, breathes out. he doesn't want to. he doesn't want to. he doesn't want to. but what does it matter? he's already screwed up.
he shoves senri away.]
... I told you already: everything here is a means to an end for me. "If Love cares about me, she won't pick me if she needs to execute a follower." "It annoys me that Senri's a moron, but if he's so eager to defend me at trials, I can use that."
[...]
"I need allies. I don't need to care about them, as long as I can use them. I have no reason to care about anyone in this place."
That's the kind of person I am. I would've lied to you about my alignment too, but for once, I thought I'd try emulating someone else—because I work most effectively alongside her, but she's not here. She was the one good at making allies; the one who believed in people and so they believed in her.
... Obviously, trying to play her role on top of mine was a mistake. [it backfired on him, after all.] So, despite what you think, I didn't change. I just went back to focusing on what I'm accustomed to: using others and being used.
[he stumbles with the shove - but he listens. and he listens closely.]
.... it wasn't a mistake. You're doing fine, Ray. I'm the one who made a mistake, because lying is the only thing that I do well until it all blows up. That's not on you.
You put your belief in me and I messed that up and I misled you. I'm the worst.
But I - .... I didn't mean to hurt you. Or to put you in a weird position, so I kept it to a half-truth. I lived in the technicality as if that made it any better, and I'll make sure I don't do that anymore, because you deserve better from me.
[ . . . ]
If you need to use me, that's fine. You don't have to care about me. But that's not going to stop me from caring about you. I can still believe in you, even if you don't believe in me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If that's the case, then you shouldn't be attaching yourself to someone like me. Besides, Takaomi seemed ready to fight anyone who messed with you last trial.
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[HE'S NOT LETTING THIS GO, RAY]
What do you want me to do? Talk to Ruin for you? Cunning? Send me on some stupid quest if you have to, just don't try to get me to leave you alone.
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As funny as it might be, I don't want you to do any of that. I just expect you to continue as you've always done. Be dishonest, if you want. It doesn't matter.
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I did something to bother you, and you won't tell me what, so I can't apologize or fix it. Are you mad I didn't go to see you after trial on Saturday?
You didn't answer my question - when did you want me to be honest?
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... what if he just punched senri and fled? no, then senri would still bother him tomorrow... also some other people here might kill him for it, depending.]
You already know the answer to that.
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[?????]
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Yes. That's exactly it.
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Which one? Are you being serious?
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.... the very first week?
When you asked me if Beauty or Merriment was definitely my god?
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This means a lot to me because you mean a lot to me - and I don't want to keep going not knowing what I did to bother you.
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Why? To you, I should just be the unsettling kid who's insulted you, semi-deliberately stabbed someone, done things that offend your sensibilities—among other things.
If this is out of pity for my circumstances back home or whatever, don't. That'd just piss me off more.
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Why do you think I'd assume that about you?
Do you not know how amazing I think you are....?
[he blinks.]
Ray-kun, you're a lot smarter and stronger than I am - regardless of your circumstances, you deserve to win this just because you're good at what you do. You're my friend, even if you're super grumpy all the time and won't play games with me. But we don't have to get along perfectly for that to matter, for me to want you to be happy.
I'm sorry that I don't get what I did wrong... but I can't leave it like this....
I'm worried about you, and I don't want to be the jerk that messed up your chances of trusting anyone or having faith in people here.
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without warning—and without any thinking on ray's part—his hand flashes out, fist clenching into senri's collar.
... he doesn't do anything, though. doesn't even meet senri's eyes, keeping his gaze dropped below. his mouth opens, as if he wants to speak but can't find the words. it's hard to breathe.]
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... please let me in.
I'm - still learning how to be honest with people, so I know I'm making mistakes too but... I'll risk being truthful with you all the time, if it means you don't have to be alone.
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he shoves senri away.]
... I told you already: everything here is a means to an end for me. "If Love cares about me, she won't pick me if she needs to execute a follower." "It annoys me that Senri's a moron, but if he's so eager to defend me at trials, I can use that."
[...]
"I need allies. I don't need to care about them, as long as I can use them. I have no reason to care about anyone in this place."
That's the kind of person I am. I would've lied to you about my alignment too, but for once, I thought I'd try emulating someone else—because I work most effectively alongside her, but she's not here. She was the one good at making allies; the one who believed in people and so they believed in her.
... Obviously, trying to play her role on top of mine was a mistake. [it backfired on him, after all.] So, despite what you think, I didn't change. I just went back to focusing on what I'm accustomed to: using others and being used.
[and with that, he waits.]
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.... it wasn't a mistake. You're doing fine, Ray. I'm the one who made a mistake, because lying is the only thing that I do well until it all blows up. That's not on you.
You put your belief in me and I messed that up and I misled you. I'm the worst.
But I - .... I didn't mean to hurt you. Or to put you in a weird position, so I kept it to a half-truth. I lived in the technicality as if that made it any better, and I'll make sure I don't do that anymore, because you deserve better from me.
[ . . . ]
If you need to use me, that's fine. You don't have to care about me. But that's not going to stop me from caring about you. I can still believe in you, even if you don't believe in me.
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this time, ray properly meets senri's eyes.]
And that's what's pissing me off about you!
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What....? Which part...?!
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ray looks away again because he. actually doesn't know how to explain this.]
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Emotions aren't easy....
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.... I can wait....
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you know what. what if ray just. turns around and starts walking away because he doesn't know how to handle this. bye.]
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