usogi | [ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

[he doesn't want to - but also to be honest senri isn't entirely aware of where he's going. all he knows is that he doesn't want to be there, with people who won't believe him, or people who won't listen to him. he doesn't want to wait, and he doesn't want to listen to taka when taka tricked him again and yet when senri tries to remember the conversation -

he knows he didn't question it.

he knows that he didn't even think twice, that maybe his boyfriend just wanted to give him something nice. that it was a simple favor, from a god. maybe it was love, he thought. but all he knew was that taka needed him to do something and he didn't even consider saying no.

ray must've known that too.

he stops but he doesn't look back.]

.... why couldn't he just keep it for himself?

Why me? I don't need it.

He wouldn't have kept it for himself.

[ takaomi knows this. it's the same reason why he refused sasuke's offer to give him battle armor, and why he wanted to go alone instead of ishikirimaru going with him. it's just the kind of person he is.

it still doesn't make it hurt any less. ]

... you're important to him. So he wanted it to be you.

He's important to me!

[and of course he ends up drawing into anger again - even though the sadness never quite manages to leave. he turns back to taka, combative, but he doesn't reach out to grab onto him just yet. not when he knows perfectly well that tears are still falling from his eye, and he feels too pathetic to even try to act aggressively toward someone who he knows is just trying to comfort him]

All of you are important to me! But no one will let me do anything to help - you all always just leave me behind and make me wait instead!

What? Are you going to switch to Merriment then?

[ it comes out more angry than he meant it to, but taka has never been great at hiding when he gets annoyed.

he rubs his temple, not really sure where to go. ]

You help. You help so much.

As if it does any good! Do you actually think I'd be able to do anything on Merriment?! [and senri will just snap back, because he's annoyed too - and maybe he's already thought of it] I don't have time to learn how to defend myself, and I'd be too scared to do anything anyway!

[he's not like taka, who can at least manage himself well enough that he'll go out and explore even if it's dangerous. senri would still run from danger, at the end of the day, and he won't be any use even with All Nighter. it's just not the person that he is]

Why won't any of you think about yourselves for once?!

I said yes to the Battle Armor, didn't I?!

[ and he regrets that, but he won't say that out loud right now. ]

Neither of them are going to take the brooch.

You didn't have a choice. I never would've forgiven Sasuke if something happened to you.

[ . . . . because they all listen to ray. at the end of the day, they all listened to ray. and even now, they're listening to ray.

senri will reach a hand over to cover taka's and he stares at him]

... just tonight. Please take it.

[ he frowns

it's obvious he doesn't want to agree to this. because in his eyes, as long as senri is safe, it's okay. everything else can be painful and horrible, and it'll hurt so much, but as long as senri is okay he can keep moving.

he raises senri's hand, and for a moment it's like he's going to kiss it, but instead taka presses his cheek against senri's fingers. ]

Just tonight. Don't tell them.

[ . . . and senri just shuts his eye for a moment. he lets out a quiet breath and traces taka's cheek with his fingers, along his jaw, and then around his neck to pull him in closer so senri can just press his face into his shoulder]

... I'll be okay.

As long as you're okay, I'll be okay.

Sorry.

[ it's funny, that today started with senri apologizing and now they're here.

taka really can't do anything right. ]

I'm so sorry.

[ . . . . and senri will just shake his head, even as he wraps both arms around taka. he's still trembling faintly, sniffling, but at least he's not the mess he was earlier.]

I forgive you.

I'll always forgive you.

I...

[ there's a lot of words he can say. he runs through them quickly, unsure, before sighing softly. ]

I need you. So much.

.... you were just trying to protect me, and trying to do what you thought was best with Ray-kun.

[he knows that. it's why he can't be mad. he told taka before - that breaking ray's trust was more worrying to senri than anything else.

and he breathes in and just holds taka close]

But... please realize that I need you, too.

[and he gets a little teary-eyed again, clutching on tighter]

I'm too scared, to think of what would happen if I lost you. Even for a day. Just Thursday night is hard enough.

I'm never going to leave you.

[ it still feels like too much to promise, especially after what happened last week when two people from the picture died but

it's something he has to believe in. it helps drive him forward. ]

Wherever you go, I won't be far behind.

[ . . . and senri will just nod quietly.]

I'm not going to run off without you anymore - so please make sure that you don't leave me in the dust instead.

[he shuts his eye]

I still trust you, and believe in you. That's why I need you to stay with me.

I will.

[ he kisses him, short and soft ]

You and me, Senri.

[senri pauses - and just lets out a short breath before he pulls taka in closer to him, pressing another kiss to his lips, longer and deeper, as if the touch will be enough to explain everything that he can't quite put words to]

You and me.

[as long as it's them]

[ all he can really do is hold senri a little more tightly.

he knows it's a gamble, saying things like this before curfew, but he wills away any doubt and decides to focus on just believing in these words. because senri dies, taka thinks that it won't be too long til he follows. ]

Forever.

[forever. senri will let the word linger, and he'll hold onto it. because he's never had anything that he thought could last forever. he's never had someone that he could hold onto, the one that he could hold onto taka. and he wonders if it's dangerous, to cling onto someone like this with everything that he has, to place his happiness on someone he could lose.

he laughs, quietly.]

... the very first week, Rise-chan told me something. I didn't get what she meant at all back then, but I think I have a better understanding now.

Wanna know what it was?

[ he pulls back a bit so he can peer at senri curiously. the first week feels so very, very long ago. ]

What is it?

... she asked me what love meant to me. [and he appreciates the pulling back, because his fingers are reaching for the brooch on his lapel again, quietly undoing it] And of course I told her what I thought it was - fluttering hearts, cute dates, holding hands... Everything in the movies.

And then she said... love is more than that. 'Love has a way of sneaking up on you.' I thought it was silly, to think that I could find something like that in a place like this.

[he's careful as he places the brooch on the inside of taka's hoodie, where his uniform jacket normally covers it. hidden away, so that it's not as obvious.]

It was even stranger to me, when she said 'don't be afraid of it' because I thought... I was looking for love my whole life. Someone to take care of me, to hold my hand when I was feeling alone, to tell me that everything was going to work out okay. Who would be afraid of it?

[ . . . and his fingers find the fabric of taka's jacket as he holds on, head ducked as he can't quite manage to meet taka's eyes]

... but I'm afraid of the way that you'll put yourself in danger for me. And I'm afraid of what you'll hide from me, to keep me safe. I'm really scared of how you might get hurt, and it'd be my fault.

And - I'm pretty sure it's because I love you, in a way that I haven't loved anyone before.

[ it's an interesting thing.

because takaomi is so scared of reaching out to people. you can control your own actions, but you can't control others, and it's so easy for someone to knock over everything that you built together. every time you make yourself vulnerable in front of someone is another chance for you to get hurt later on, at any whim of theirs, and it's just so much safer to wrap yourself up in solitude.

he's been told, over and over again throughout the weeks by a variety of people, of how sad that line of thinking is. gods have given him tasks that would require him to talk to others. he'd be forced to place trust in someone else in exchange for information and help. it's been a struggle, week after week, to put himself out there when he would have preferred to stay on his own and try to figure things out his own way.

and then there's senri.

senri, who won't let things go when he senses something is wrong. senri, who is so loud and energetic and thrives under attention. senri, who is loved by so many people here even if he himself can't see it sometimes. who taka wants to hold onto and never let go. who taka depends on, every day, because if he wasn't here than the whole reason of competing in this contest seems pointless.

he stares at him, his expression a mix of surprise and fondness and just so much. feeling. and all he can do is gently places a hand under senri's chin so he can lift it up, to look at him, even though he's so sure that his own expression must be gross with how much affection that's inside him for this boy. ]

Nito Senri... I love you, more than anything, and anyone. I love you.

[if senri was a less selfish person, he would've remembered to say you don't have to say it back.

because taka isn't the same as senri. taka is someone who keeps everything closely guarded, and senri never entirely understood why. not for the longest time. he wonders if he's getting a taste of it now, of that feeling of being hurt so badly by someone who you trusted. to feel the other end of the deception, to feel the loss of someone who liked you enough to lie to you, to keep you safe. it's not the same thing. it's never the same thing, when it comes to the two of them but.

he lets his chin be lifted and he pauses, when he hears taka tell him that in return. because senri didn't have to ask him to, and if it's taka, then... even now, senri will choose to believe that it's not a lie. he'll choose to believe in taka, every single day.

and his heart aches with the feeling, with the word finally being placed to what he'd been feeling for - how long?

senri wishes that his immediate reaction to strong emotion wasn't to cry - but he'd managed so many crocodile tears in the time before he came here, he wonders if it's somehow karma for him to feel only real ones now. he tears up, but presses forward to kiss taka anyway, as if that'll manage to hide his overly emotional reaction.

but even then, he smiles against his lips, and can't help but laugh softly]

... I love you, Taka. I love you, too.

I love you more than I feel afraid... and I hope that's okay.

Love was one of the gods who originally offered her their hand to me. And I never considered taking it, because I thought the concept was so far off from what I was after.

[ the hand that was holding onto senri's chin moves to wipe away at senri's tears, his thumb softly brushing against his cheek. ]

I'm not really... good at this kind of stuff. I probably won't be as romantic as you want me to be. I'm going to forget to bring flowers sometimes. I don't like Valentine's Day. You're going to get so pissed off at me, Senri.

[ he goes for another kiss, because when he's at a loss of what to say it's what comes to mind. maybe he can transfer his feelings this way, if he tries hard enough.

but he also knows that a kiss isn't enough. ]

I'm a coward. I think that... I probably could have made a lot of good friendships here, if I actually tried harder. But I couldn't. I can see glimpses of it sometimes though, and I can start to understand a little what everyone has been telling me this whole time...

[ to try. that other people aren't that scary, and even if you fall after putting yourself out there, someone can still catch you. takaomi doesn't think that the amount of time he's been here is really enough time to overcome this fear, but he can take the steps towards it. ]

But I feel so much braver when I'm with you. It's not as hard, and I... you make love feel so real to me, like I can finally understand it.

[senri leans into taka's touch, he leans into taka's kiss, he leans into everything that he says even if it makes him laugh. his eye is still watery and he thinks it's so dumb, that when he's upset he cries, when he's happy he cries, and he wonders if he'll ever be into tap into feelings this intense for when he goes onto the stage. he wonders why it's such a painful thing to be real.]

.... you hate every holiday, Taka....

[he starts with that, as if a small joke will be enough time to ease his emotions into something that doesn't risk exploding so suddenly.]

... last week, I told Rise-chan my secret. I told her about you, because I wasn't sure how to explain what I felt yet. I didn't know what to call it. I told her about how we didn't get along at all, at the beginning. But I also told her about how long we've known each other, and how... even back home, I always had you.

'As long as it's you'... is what I've been thinking, for a really long time. [he places a hand over taka's, keeping it to hold] When we entered this game, and I thought... I could rely on you, at least, even if no one else would trust me. And even when people did start to trust me, you were the only one that I thought would never lie to me.

You're... [he shakes his head quietly] You've always been the most real thing in my life, like I don't have to act, and I don't need a script. I've always counted on you, to tell me when I was doing something that could hurt someone. To keep me safe. To... help me be someone better than I am.

I don't know how long I've had these feelings, but I plan to keep them forever.

I plan to keep you forever.

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bakaomi - 2019-03-29 18:10 (UTC) - Expand