usogi | [ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

[senri will endure a thousand more injuries if it means that taka will just get over it and hold him - even though he also understands the hesitation. but he shifts where he's sitting on the bed so that taka can come closer, and he ignores the pinpricks of pain as he shifts to curl into him, pressing as close as humanly possible as he breathes in

and if he really pretends, maybe he can act like this is nothing.

maybe he can play as if this is just a normal morning, where he doesn't want to open his eyes, because he doesn't want to face the day, because he'd rather stay right where he is with taka

and not have to worry about anything or anyone else.

the guilt won't let him, of course. there's already the nagging feeling that he doesn't deserve this but -

he stays right where he is anyway]

[ it's not like taka would let him leave, even if he tried.

at this point the only reason he'd even let go is if ray or sasuke came in, but if it were anyone else he'd tell them to fuck off. neither are here though, so taka just carefully, carefully tries to see how much he can hold onto senri without hurting him.

and this almost, almost makes him change his mind about thursday. he almost decides to go find ishikirimaru to tell him that he'll have to watch ruin on his own, because he can't leave senri alone like this--

he won't be alone though. so he pushes the thought away. ]

[it's good that taka doesn't voice that thought out loud - because in the moment, senri might be selfish enough to ask him to stay.

even though he knows he shouldn't.

if the shifting manages to hurt senri at all, he doesn't let it show on his face. he keeps any winces muted to the point of non-existence and only leans into taka's touch as he gingerly tries to press his face closer into him. he settles his head on taka's chest and tries to listen to his heartbeat as if that'll be the one thing that can connect him to this moment.

and he breathes out another heavy sigh, carrying more emotion than he knows how to express out loud]

... I'll try not to keep you too long.

There's nowhere else I want to be.

[ if senri asks him to leave, he'll do it-- unwillingly, yes, but after what he just went through he deserves privacy.

but it's scary, how attached he got. and takaomi is aware that a lot of it has to do with the current extreme situation; the stress and adrenaline is bound to make their emotions work faster than if they were still in their normal lives. he wonders if they would have gotten together back home and... he wants to say yes, because knowing what he does about them now, they could still make that connection, but it probably would have been so much more slowly.

instead, he now has this weird jumble of feelings and the ever urgent, ever pressing need to make sure senri is okay, that senri makes it to the end of all of this alive, and how close that was today to not happening and taka couldn't do anything to really help him other than help patch the two of them up after. ]

... are you sure?

[it's a list of questions that senri shouldn't ask. is taka sure that there's nowhere else he'd rather be? no one else that he'd rather be with? is he sure that being with senri was the right decision? if taken the wrong way, they can make someone feel guilty. feel obligated to stay.

senri should really be better than that.

but for right now, taka is warm. and he's holding onto him, like he's trying to keep senri's broken pieces together and senri wonders if he's going to cut his hands on the edges. how many other people will he hurt this way?

and yet he doesn't let go. he clings onto taka like he's the only thing in this place that's keeping him sane and - maybe he is.]

I... I'm not really good at these kinds of things.

[ relationships. platonic, familial, romantic-- he knows he's behind most people and it's on purpose, really, because it's safer that way.

but he wants to try. he's going to mess up, and he says the wrong thing all the time, but he really wants to try. ]

But I want to be with you.

[ . . . . it's almost ironic.

how after everything, senri wanted his family. he wanted people who would love him no matter what he did, no matter what stupid mess he got into, who he didn't have to lie to in order to receive their attention and affection. his personality isn't as pleasant as what he shows everyone, after all.

but.

taka is still here, and he's always been here, and he'll do his best to keep being here.

so senri just nods a little bit even as his arms around taka cling on a little tighter, a little desperately.]

... I want to be with you too. I don't ever want to be without you.

You won't.

[ it's said with conviction, confidently. because if anything happens to senri, then... well. he won't think about that for now. ]

No matter what you do, or how stupid you are, or who else you might like... I'll always be right next to you, Senri.

[he kind of wants to cry again.

he reaches up with a hand - careful and slow - to cup taka's cheek. he's slowly learning to reconcile the distance and depth perception with his new injury, but he sighs a little breath in relief when he makes contact. his thumb traces the shape of taka's face, brushes the corner of his lips

he maps out the curves until he can lift himself up enough to press a kiss to taka's mouth. he didn't want to risk missing.]

[ he kisses back, as softly as he can, and he really wishes that fixing everything that's happened could be as simple as this.

it's not, but if it helps to patch up some of the holes then at least it's something. ]

... we can talk about it if you want. But you don't have to.

[ what happened is still very fresh, and a lot to process, so takaomi wouldn't be surprised if senri doesn't want to touch it yet. ]

[ . . . . it'd be so easy to run, to pretend like nothing's wrong. and for most people, that's what they're going to get. thursday is going to be full of senri wandering around the temple, just trying to avoid bumping into things, but otherwise himself - if only a little muted.

but this is for taka.

and he breathes in as he closes his eye.]

.... he feels so guilty. He's so angry...

I don't - I don't think he realizes that if it wasn't for him, something a lot worse could've happened to me.

You would have gone in without him, right...?

[ like. taka knows senri well enough and how fucking stubborn he is, and while he didn't realize majima was missing before going into the forest, he is definitely aware of it now. it doesn't take a genius to figure out senri's motivations for going inside. ]

I'm glad he was there.

[if it was just about the monsters, senri would've been smart enough to stay outside. it's not like he's the type of person who looks for trouble, even though it finds him fairly regularly here. there are people that he didn't want to worry, even though he was just as frustrated about not being helpful.

but tell him that the family he's found for himself here was being torn apart, and all sense disappeared.

he still tries to hide his face against taka's shoulder when he nods]

.... he got hurt because of me.....

You need to apologize.

[ he runs a hand through senri's hair, his fingers curling into it. ]

You can't change what happened, but... it's what people do when they care about you, isn't it? So all you can do is move forward and try to make sure that the two of you are okay.

[senri leans into the touch minutely, but he nods]

.... he's going to avoid me - but I'm going to. I have to.

[he breathes out a sigh]

I have to say thank you to Ray-kun too.... Ah, they're still going to have to deal with me tomorrow before curfew too.

I'm pretty sure they're going to want to be with you during curfew more than ever now.

[ ... like, taka does too, but he'd feel too guilty ditching ishi at the last minute. ]

[ . . . and he sighs]

I'm just more weight on their shoulders like this...

[but he also doesn't know how to make it better - not immediately. he closes his eyes and lets his weight rest on taka as he tries to keep from asking taka to stay with him. there's something that he needs to do, and that can't change just because senri was an idiot - again.]

... maybe we should learn something from Hanabusa-senpai and start wearing protective vests by default...

I think he still almost dies more than we do...

[ and they're in an actual murdergame

but he just plays with senri's hair as he talks. ]

Senri, isn't that... what relationships are? Weight on your shoulders. It's just that... usually, for people, the weight is light enough that you don't notice it, so it's only when things like this happens that you really notice it's there.

[ . . . he's quiet as he thinks about that.]

Is that how you see it?

[because surprising no one at all, senri doesn't see it the same way. relationships are his lifelines, the only way that he can feel connected to the world around him. they've never felt heavy, not when they've been the only things that have ever kept him afloat]

... yeah.

[ he's only really admitted this to merriment while here. it's been touched upon, lightly, with other gods, but taka didn't really plan on getting too into it with anyone else.

but then again, he's dating senri now. so. ]

I kind of... went out of my way to not become friends with anyone here, even though people [ gods ] kept telling me to try. I stopped talking to Madoka as much after you told me she told Ray my alignment.

[ because he felt betrayed, which was stupid in a game like this, but it still hit his insecurities enough that it made him step back. ]

[ . . . ah.

senri pauses at that - and can't help but feel guilty. should he have lied to taka? should he have kept it a secret, when he knew that madoka wouldn't have told ray if she didn't think him trustworthy? and yet... the defensive part of him thinks that taka's alignment is one that he wants to guard more closely than anyone else.

he pulls taka closer to him again to give him a kiss]

.... sorry - I didn't think that you'd.... For what it's worth, she hasn't told me...

[ . . . ]

If it's heavy - we can carry it together. But I... I hope you can still find a way to trust people.

[ it's gotten a little easier, admittedly. the only reason he told ishi about his power is because senri urged him to, but taka told ray about it all on his own. would he have done that if he hadn't already known his alignment? probably not, but the point still stands.

he doesn't say any of that though, and instead just moves his hand down so he can give senri a proper hug. like, a very careful hug. ]

... we'll work on that.

[ . . . mm. senri will lean into the hold, if only because he wants the hug. and then he's just going to press his face against taka, careful so that he doesn't manage to do anything to his still healing eye.]

... okay. We have time.

It'll be okay. [ . . . ] I've never felt my ties with people to be heavy but I think it's because.... for a long time I didn't have anyone who would care if something happened to me anyway.

[not in a way that mattered. people sending sympathy flowers and people who would actually sit by his bedside are entirely different entities]

You know... there are people back home who would. Yuma and Touji, definitely, and others in the special class.

[ chizuru would not give a fuck but taka is pretending he does not exist for this moment. ]

... people love you.

[ . . . the thing is that senri is slowly getting that. he's slowly understanding that - because yuma and touji do defend him to taka sometimes, and they'll go out of their way to make it clear when he's not being awful. and taka goes along with the things that he does too.

if he just opened his eyes a little, and maybe his heart - and stopped chasing after just one thing....

he sighs and continues to rest against taka]

.... right now, you're all I need.

[in this moment, as long as he has taka, he's alright]

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