usogi | [ canonmates who don't trust each other for shit babey ]

[ oh

takaomi immediately scrambles to his feet and he-- he wants to hug him, but he's not sure how much pain senri would be in so he just... carefully places a hand on his uninjured arm. ]

I'm here.

Oh -

[and that does make everything a little bit better. it eases some of his anxiety as taka touches him and senri will automatically reach out to place a hand on taka's face except

it doesn't actually manage to connect?

his vision doesn't quite seem to be what he wants for some reason]

... huh?

... your eye...

[ he'll reach over to grab that hand, holding it as carefully as possible. he sits down at the edge of the bed, still not wanting to jostle senri too much. ]

You and Sasuke were...

[ . . . . . oh -

that's right. it's coming back to him a little bit now and his grip suddenly grows stronger]

Is he okay? What happened? Did Ray-kun—

[the panic creeps and creeps as his hand starts to tremble]

Ogou-san....!

... we still don't know where he is.

[ there's no point in lying about that. ]

Sasuke's been taken care of. Ray's pretty good at it.

... then... why did I.....

[his expression begins to fall again - the shock coupled with disappointment]

... I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[ well, even if senri lacks depth perception, taka doesn't. so his free hand moves to carefully stroke senri's cheek. ]

Senri.

[he shakes his head automatically - not exactly to brush taka's hand away but - ]

... I did it again - I caused trouble again. And this time I have nothing to show for it. I panicked, and then Sasuke had to pay for it and I owe Ray-kun so much and....

[the emotion gets caught in his throat as he can't look at taka all of a sudden, expression darting elsewhere]

I put you through that too.

... everyone's just glad you're okay.

[ maybe.

things were kind of too tense to really talk in the heat of the moment, but all taka knows is that they were all motivated by the same need back there. ]

Although... I know you're not going to believe that.

.... how can I?

[and he's torn between whether he should lean more into taka's hold, or if he feels like he just doesn't deserve it. so he stays in one spot even as he closes his eye and tries to remember how to breathe in without panicking again]

You're right. I really am such an idiot.

You are. But you're in a situation that's really out of your depth, doing things you've never had to do before, so... you're going to fuck up.

[ he laces their fingers together. ]

But that doesn't make you a bad person, or that you should... hate yourself for what happened. You're just human.

[ . . . taka is really trying.

and senri can tell.

and he wants to say thank you, and he wants to say that he appreciates taka for being with him through this, and he wants to ask taka to stay with him even though it's selfish and he puts him through so much.

but it's hard. it's hard to feel like he deserves any of that, like he has any right to say anything when the pain is beginning to ebb back in, and he can't see out of one eye, and he keeps remembering that because of some stupid curse, sasuke is in the same boat.

he pauses and he just lays back down and breathes out a sigh. he doesn't let go of taka's hand but.]

.... I wouldn't have blamed you if you weren't here when I woke up.

I'm always going to be here with you.

[ it's said firmly. because the deeper and deeper they get into this mess of a competition, the more certain taka becomes that he never wants to let go of this hand. regardless of how this game ends, he wants to be able to wake up in the morning and turn to see senri right there.

but that feels like it's too much to say right now. not just in this moment, but in general, so he just tightens his grip. ]

[ . . . . it sort of feels like he wants to cry - but if he cries, he's sure he'll just worry taka more. instead there's just the twisting feeling in his chest even as taka's words settle in his ribcage. it's way too selfish to accept that, after everything. he thinks that there's a large chance that taka would be happier, and feel less troubled, if he didn't have to deal with senri.

. . .

he pulls his hand away, but only so that he can open his arms to him, and he tries to ignore the pain of moving his injured arm around]

.... come here, please?

[there's a chance that it might hurt more but senri wants to be held so badly]

[ it's a little difficult, since taka doesn't want to injure senri further. but he'll do his best to settle on the bed and hug him. he tries not to touch his injuries, and it's a little hard because of their position, but

senri's safe. he's injured, and traumatized, and he's probably going to hate himself for a while, but he's safe and alive and right here. ]

[senri will endure a thousand more injuries if it means that taka will just get over it and hold him - even though he also understands the hesitation. but he shifts where he's sitting on the bed so that taka can come closer, and he ignores the pinpricks of pain as he shifts to curl into him, pressing as close as humanly possible as he breathes in

and if he really pretends, maybe he can act like this is nothing.

maybe he can play as if this is just a normal morning, where he doesn't want to open his eyes, because he doesn't want to face the day, because he'd rather stay right where he is with taka

and not have to worry about anything or anyone else.

the guilt won't let him, of course. there's already the nagging feeling that he doesn't deserve this but -

he stays right where he is anyway]

[ it's not like taka would let him leave, even if he tried.

at this point the only reason he'd even let go is if ray or sasuke came in, but if it were anyone else he'd tell them to fuck off. neither are here though, so taka just carefully, carefully tries to see how much he can hold onto senri without hurting him.

and this almost, almost makes him change his mind about thursday. he almost decides to go find ishikirimaru to tell him that he'll have to watch ruin on his own, because he can't leave senri alone like this--

he won't be alone though. so he pushes the thought away. ]

[it's good that taka doesn't voice that thought out loud - because in the moment, senri might be selfish enough to ask him to stay.

even though he knows he shouldn't.

if the shifting manages to hurt senri at all, he doesn't let it show on his face. he keeps any winces muted to the point of non-existence and only leans into taka's touch as he gingerly tries to press his face closer into him. he settles his head on taka's chest and tries to listen to his heartbeat as if that'll be the one thing that can connect him to this moment.

and he breathes out another heavy sigh, carrying more emotion than he knows how to express out loud]

... I'll try not to keep you too long.

There's nowhere else I want to be.

[ if senri asks him to leave, he'll do it-- unwillingly, yes, but after what he just went through he deserves privacy.

but it's scary, how attached he got. and takaomi is aware that a lot of it has to do with the current extreme situation; the stress and adrenaline is bound to make their emotions work faster than if they were still in their normal lives. he wonders if they would have gotten together back home and... he wants to say yes, because knowing what he does about them now, they could still make that connection, but it probably would have been so much more slowly.

instead, he now has this weird jumble of feelings and the ever urgent, ever pressing need to make sure senri is okay, that senri makes it to the end of all of this alive, and how close that was today to not happening and taka couldn't do anything to really help him other than help patch the two of them up after. ]

... are you sure?

[it's a list of questions that senri shouldn't ask. is taka sure that there's nowhere else he'd rather be? no one else that he'd rather be with? is he sure that being with senri was the right decision? if taken the wrong way, they can make someone feel guilty. feel obligated to stay.

senri should really be better than that.

but for right now, taka is warm. and he's holding onto him, like he's trying to keep senri's broken pieces together and senri wonders if he's going to cut his hands on the edges. how many other people will he hurt this way?

and yet he doesn't let go. he clings onto taka like he's the only thing in this place that's keeping him sane and - maybe he is.]

I... I'm not really good at these kinds of things.

[ relationships. platonic, familial, romantic-- he knows he's behind most people and it's on purpose, really, because it's safer that way.

but he wants to try. he's going to mess up, and he says the wrong thing all the time, but he really wants to try. ]

But I want to be with you.

[ . . . . it's almost ironic.

how after everything, senri wanted his family. he wanted people who would love him no matter what he did, no matter what stupid mess he got into, who he didn't have to lie to in order to receive their attention and affection. his personality isn't as pleasant as what he shows everyone, after all.

but.

taka is still here, and he's always been here, and he'll do his best to keep being here.

so senri just nods a little bit even as his arms around taka cling on a little tighter, a little desperately.]

... I want to be with you too. I don't ever want to be without you.

You won't.

[ it's said with conviction, confidently. because if anything happens to senri, then... well. he won't think about that for now. ]

No matter what you do, or how stupid you are, or who else you might like... I'll always be right next to you, Senri.

[he kind of wants to cry again.

he reaches up with a hand - careful and slow - to cup taka's cheek. he's slowly learning to reconcile the distance and depth perception with his new injury, but he sighs a little breath in relief when he makes contact. his thumb traces the shape of taka's face, brushes the corner of his lips

he maps out the curves until he can lift himself up enough to press a kiss to taka's mouth. he didn't want to risk missing.]

[ he kisses back, as softly as he can, and he really wishes that fixing everything that's happened could be as simple as this.

it's not, but if it helps to patch up some of the holes then at least it's something. ]

... we can talk about it if you want. But you don't have to.

[ what happened is still very fresh, and a lot to process, so takaomi wouldn't be surprised if senri doesn't want to touch it yet. ]

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